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Poetry on cards - Help!

6 replies [Last post]
Mon, 07/01/2013 - 21:39
Aerjen
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Joined: 08/28/2008
The Bear

I'm currently working on a game called Pleasant Dreams in which the players move through a dream, hoping it won't turn into a nightmare for them. As part of the flavor, I'm using simple rhymes... Unfortunately, I don't seem to be very gifted :(

Below are card names with the current rhymes, who feels like helping me out by adding to the brainstorm session?

The format is: 3 syllables... (on the face of the card) 4 syllables (on the back of the card). See attached image for an example.

Wakefulness
Good night dear… Nothing to fear
Go to sleep… Your dreams I reap

The Premonition
Inner eye… What do you scry

The Barrier
(No, no… NOOOO!!!…. ) - ( then, smaller:) down, down, you go

The Bear
Time for Bed… You fluffy head
Time for Bed… Don't wind up dead
Time for Bed… Crawl out your head

The Jack in the Box
Open your eyes… Out terror flies
Turn the crank… For a gnarly prank

The Rocking Horse
Slumber ride… All dead inside

The Night Light
Fight the night, Demented fright

The Sleeping Cat
O sleepy cat… that hiss and spat

Under the bed >> Bunny Slippers
For snuggly toes… where monster grows

The Mobile
Turns gently by…. A blade in your eye

The Music Box
Sweet lullabyes… a crawling surprise

The Harlequin
A cheery friend… your life will end

The Doll
So cute she sleeps… towards you, she creeps

The Bunny
Sweet bunny friend… for you: the end

Help?

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Tue, 07/02/2013 - 04:28
#1
ilSilvano
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Joined: 07/31/2008
Great concept!

Sorry I cannot help, since English is not my first language, but I need to say this: your game concept and cards look absolutely fantastic! I can only dream (pun intended) this turns in a terrific game.

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Tue, 07/02/2013 - 08:51
#2
Stormyknight1976
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Joined: 04/08/2012
How many cards?

How many cards will a simgle player need to play your game?
If 1 card is needed then here are my suggestions:

Wakefulness
Go to sleep… Your dreams I reap

The Bear
Time for Bed… Don't wind up dead

The Jack in the Box
Turn the crank… For a gnarly prank

The Rocking Horse
Slumber ride… All dead inside

The Night Light
Fight the night, Demented fright

The Sleeping Cat
Dream of Day... I stalk at night (New)

Under the bed
The Monster treads… You'll soon be dead (New)

The Mobile
Turns gently by…. A blade in your eye (this is okay)

The Music Box
Sweet lullabyes… a crawling surprise or Becomes a dead surprise?

The Harlequin
A cheery friend… your life will end

The Doll
She's awake… In your deep sleep (New) ? This needs work.
Or She is awake... In your deep sleep (New) ?

The Bunny
Sweet bunny friend… for you: the end

If the player needs 2 or 3 of the same style of cards then have two or three different versions for a multiplayer game or co-op game?

Love the great artwork though. keep at it. I would love to get this game.

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Tue, 07/02/2013 - 09:20
#3
Aerjen
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Joined: 08/28/2008
Thanks!

Hi Silvano,

You're absolutely wrong! You actually just helped me put a smile on my face and boosted my confidence :)

Thanks for rooting for me. The game is actually already finished and has been playtested over and over and over and ... wait for it... over again. Right now I'm working with the awesome Wayne Dorrington to create the artwork and flavor. When that's done, it's back to playtesting to see how it works with the art. After that, I'll be sending out copies for the blind playtests and I'll cross my fingers for good luck :)

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Tue, 07/02/2013 - 09:34
#4
ilSilvano
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Joined: 07/31/2008
Rule translation

Hi Aerjen, as soon as you have a final version, feel free to mail me; maybe I can help with a Italian translation of the rules if you like.

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Tue, 07/02/2013 - 09:46
#5
Gizensha
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Joined: 07/26/2008
The art for your sample card

The art for your sample card is gorgeous.

Unless our pronounciations of some of the words differ, some of the ones you already have aren't the 3/4 format, though some can be nudged to that quite easily, and I'm only bringing it up because you specify 3/4 (Which is a far harder constraint to adhere to than simply rhyming couplets, by the by). You're also overusing the friend/end rhyme, but I expect both of these will resolve themselves with brainstorming.

Some suggestioons for the names you already have, though I think some of these might be darker than you're wanting...

Wakefulness
Close your eyes... Or someone dies
Counting sheep... To death they leap

The Premonition:
Inner eye... Try not to cry

The Bear:
Time for bed... For I want fed

The Night Light
Soothing light... [Angler fish metaphor in four syllables rhyming with light at the end. This feels like a blind alley]

The Sleeping Cat
Sleepy cat... You hiss and spat

The Doll
Cute she sleeps... T'wards you, she creeps
Blank her stare... For bad you'll fare [Do not like the grammer on this one]

The Bunny
Twitching nose... Your life to close
Ball of fluff... Your life to snuff

Potential additional cards, not sure how many you need:

The Dog
Warm fur coat... Tear out a throat
Loyal friend... To death you send

The Bed
Sleep you bring... With exposed spring

The owl
Hoot at night... Killing's delight
Open eyes... Your soul he spies

The streetlight
Light through blind... Shadows that find

The street cat
Such proud poise... With screeching noise

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Tue, 07/02/2013 - 11:42
#6
Aerjen
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Joined: 08/28/2008
Great responses guys

Re Stormyknight: I need one version of each card. Thanks for the list of suggestions. I particularly like "Monster Tread... You'll soon be dead" although to make it a bit less grim I might change it into: "Monster tread... You'll soon be had"

Oh and I'll do my best to make sure this game gets published ;)

Silvano, wow thanks for the offer! I'll be sure to send you a PnP, so you can first test out whether you like the game or not. If you do like it, don't be surprised if I take you up on your offer :)

Re Gizensha: And that's exactly why I reached out for help. You have a great point in regard to the overuse of friend/end. I'll be sure to address that and to also look at the 3/4 rhyming scheme. The "Inner eye... Try not to cry" is a particular nice one.

Soothing light... Stave of the fright/Keep out the fright

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